Quiz: Will You Survive the Zombie Apocalypse?

Yes, my darling C.S., this is for you, in more ways than one.

            Surviving the zombie apocalypse is what we’re all about. However, some people don’t even need to bother preparing. Their chances of survival are so low that it’d just be a waste of time and resources. Are you one of those people, or do you have a better chance of survival? Take this quiz and find out!

1. How would you describe yourself?

a. Healthy. I work out, eat right, and do everything the doctors ask. Melanoma? Meet sunscreen. I will live for as many years as I can squeeze out of this well-cared-for machine some call my body.

b. Prepared. The zombie apocalypse is coming, and I will be ready.

c. Pretty and popular. I wear the right clothes and do the right stuff to my hair. Everyone wants to be me, right? Right?

d. I am Chuck Norris.

2. How fast can you run?

a. I’ve been working towards a five-minute mile. Currently, my best is five twenty-two.

b. I can run a mile in three minutes if whatever’s chasing me is sufficiently frightening.

c. Run? I have no idea. I don’t really run. That would make me sweaty. Eww.

d. I’m Chuck Norris. I broke the sound barrier. Then I shattered it.

3. What are your feelings on canned and/or nonperishable food?
a. Canned food has so much sodium. That’s not good for you. But honey is nonperishable. Honey has so many different health benefits!

b. I only eat food that’s canned or nonperishable. Practice for the apocalypse. I WILL BE READY!
c. Gross. I only eat, like, coffee and sushi.

d. I’m Chuck Norris. Food doesn’t perish unless I make it perish.

4. What vaccinations have you had?

a. I carefully read up on each vaccination. I have all of the ones that my doctor and I agreed upon – the ones in which the risk doesn’t outweigh the gain.

b. All of them.
c. I don’t like needles. Anyway, the holes make my skin look bad. So, umm, well, I got that one that they spray up your nose… But that was gross. My nose, like, ran, and it smeared my makeup.

d. Are you kidding? I’m Chuck Norris. I don’t get vaccinated against diseases. Diseases get vaccinated against Chuck Norris.

5. You’re at the military surplus store. What do you buy?

a. Nothing. I’m just window-shopping. A brisk walk through the city was just what I wanted. Burn a few calories (not that I need to), admire the displays… The only problem is the car exhaust I’m allowing into my lungs. Yikes.

b. I pretty much buy them out. Night-vision goggles, body armor, several different kinds of weapons – that’s just what I came for. My impulse buys – jeez. I almost had to delve into my canned and nonperishable food budget! Not to mention those new ZA Spikes…

c. No camouflage. It makes me look awful. Maybe something beige. Beige is so hot right now. But fatigues make you look so shapeless.

d. I’m Chuck Norris. Why would I go to a military surplus store? The military goes to a Chuck Norris surplus store.

6. THERE IS A ZOMBIE OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE. It’s so close you can almost smell its rotting flesh. What do you do?

a. What? I don’t know! There’s nothing in Healthy Living about zombies! Grab something close at hand – I suppose I could use a tub of wheat germ as a weapon! Yes, that seems good. Bash its head in with a tub of wheat germ.

b. Well, I’d just saunter down to my weapons room. Take my pick of dozens of different kinds of guns, knives, and the like. If that fails, I can run. I’d like to see the zombie that fails to scare me into a three-minute mile.

c. I live in the penthouse. Let the people on the lower floors deal with it. Wait. IT’S ON MY FLOOR! WHAT, LIKE, HAPPENED TO THE PEOPLE ON THE LOWER LEVELS?

d. I’m Chuck Norris. Poor little guy doesn’t even know what’s coming.

RESULTS

Mostly As

            Um, yeah. Good luck. You probably don’t even need to bother preparing. Loosen up a bit – there’s really no point to being so healthy. Why try to live a long life when the zombie apocalypse is coming and you’ll just die anyway?

Mostly Bs

            You’re prepared. You’re confident. You know what’s coming. You’ll probably survive longer than most. However, as you know, your chances of survival are still hovering around zero percent.

Mostly Cs

            Oh, good grief. You’re a waste of resources now. The zombie apocalypse? You probably wouldn’t even be a good sacrifice.

All Ds

            Hey, Chuck. Carlos Ray Norris. What’s up? Your survival is a certainty. Hey, you’ll be lonely. But wait. Chuck Norris doesn’t get lonely. Lonely gets Chuck Norris.